He Has A Family

Answered Prayers

After a year and a half or praying and fasting for our sweet boy in foster care, a family has been identified for him. What a bittersweet moment it was for me as I checked the county's website (just to creep on him and his status) to find that yes indeed, he is "off the market." Part of me was elated to know that this boy would finally know the love of a mother, father, or both (hopefully). This boy would finally get the mother that he so desperately longed for. What joy filled my heart as I pictured him being tucked in at night or sitting around a dinner table with his family!

...But I wanted to be his family. My heart has been aching for him since I saw his picture in March of 2012. He has held a place in my heart for a very long time. Like I have said before, I have been praying that God would ultimately be his father and that I could detach myself from him. Since we realized that we would not be his family, I have been praying for a good family to be identified for him. Of course I'd rather him be adopted by another family if Tim and I couldn't do it! And just when I thought that I had "moved on" and gotten over the idea of him not being mine, I see that someone else is adopting him and my heart aches all over. 

However, this boy was never mine. I had no right giving him so much of my heart. But I did and now I have to move on. In the end, so very little of this life is in my control. This is just another way for God to show me that His ways are always better than mine. His will for my life will always triumph over mine. 

At the end of the day, God has answered a prayer. My prayer. I want nothing but the absolute best for "our boy." This boy now has a family; what more could I want? As previously stated, this whole thing is very bittersweet. Of course I am happy that he has a family, but I am bummed he isn't a Swett. This child will always be special to me; he is the one who turned my heart towards domestic adoption. 

I will continue to pray until his picture is no longer on that website. I pray that this family completes this adoption and loves that little boy more fiercely than I can imagine. I pray that this boy comes to know the love of his heavenly Father. I pray that this boy receives the healing he needs from his troubled past. I pray that he does well in school and finds some kind of success in life. Like Hannah had to do in 1 Samuel, I'm giving this boy back to God and praying that He takes care of the rest.

This song is for you, buddy. (disclaimer: I realize that this song is intended for a man/woman waiting for their significant other, but it soothes my heart in this situation)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec0e_oTsYtI

The Civil Wars: To Whom It May Concern
Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

Naming our Precious Daughter

We Have a Name...

Choosing a name for our daughter has been an exhausting process. This could be because having a daughter was not what I thought would be happening to us right now. After the weeks of processing and grieving I went through when we realized that the adoption wasn't going to happen, I had a hard time being excited for the child in my belly. This is really hard for me to admit publicly, and I feel slightly like a terrible mother for saying this. But it is completely the truth. My mind was so wrapped up in the adoption of that sweet boy that I couldn't imagine anything else for my life.

However, after some time of grieving, I realized that I was actually really excited about being pregnant. No, this wasn't the plan, but it is a blessing and something to be excited about! However, for some reason I still had my head and heart set on a boy. I'm sure this is because we had prayed for a son (the foster child) for over a year. A boy's name came quickly and easily to us. When asked about a girl's name, however, I drew a blank. No names sounded good, no names felt right, the whole thing just felt wrong. People would go through an exhaustive list of names and at the end I would be no closer to a decision.

About one month before we found out we were having a daughter, we had a first name. Her name will be Johanna. There is quite a story behind this name and it goes something like this...

Right after we found out that we were pregnant (back in March) I began to pray like Hannah in the book of 1 Samuel. Hannah was barren and this was her prayer: "And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." How I interpreted this prayer is as follows: Hannah prayed for a son for a very long time. In the beginning, her prayer may have been selfish. She wanted a son simply because she wanted one. Back in August when we started praying about our family this is how Tim and I prayed. "God, we want a child-how do you want us to grow our family?" This isn't a bad prayer, just slightly selfish and very focused on us. Over time, Hannah's prayers changed (because repetitive prayer over time changes you-not God- and your prayers will better reflect what HE wants for you) and her prayer became one of submission. If God would give her a son she would then give him right back to God. This is what I had to pray for that foster boy we so desperately wanted to bring home. He was never ours-he has always been God's child. God can do with him what He wants. In all honesty, God can do anything He wants with me, Tim, you, and my daughter. Nothing on this Earth is ever really ours and that is okay. God can take better care of me, my husband, and my child than I ever could. I had to submit myself, the child in my belly, and that foster boy to God. This was a hard realization but very freeing at the same time.

I think you can now see where this is going. Throughout my whole pregnancy Hannah has been a very special person to me. Her prayer literally carried me though the weeks of grieving that I experienced for that foster boy who was no longer "ours" and as I realized that the child in my belly would never fully be mine. In the end, God is the only one completely in control of her life. So, since I was so obsessed with Hannah, I realized that my daughter's name should be reflective of this love. That is why her name is Johanna. The name Johanna also means "God is Gracious" which is obviously a very true fact! I pray that my daughter will always believe in a gracious God who extends grace to her in all circumstances. I also hope that her character is reflective of her name and that she herself is able to extend grace to those around her.

Her middle name is going to be Haven. This also has a very special meaning to Tim and I. From the beginning of our pregnancy, I had a themed idea for our children's middle names. I want all of their middle names to be attributes of God. Tim and I both discussed our favorite attributes of God-mine is love and his is protector. Love didn't work (Johanna Love Swett....ew) but a variation of protector did. Tim and I both believe that God is our save haven. The Bible even uses the word haven in Psalm 107:30: "They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven." I also pray that this middle name is one that she can live up to. I hope that she always views God as her safe haven; the person she can run to with all of her fears, worries, and troubles. I also hope that she is herself a person around which others feel safe and comforted. I pray that Johanna Haven is able to be "that person" that people can always run to when they need a sanctuary.

Having her name picked out has really helped to make this real for us. The whole process of going from adopting a school-age boy to instead birthing a little girl has been a tough one for us to process. But a friend told me over the weekend that our story is one that is very reflective of God. He often takes your plans and flips them on their head...from an older boy to a baby girl. Total opposites...and totally the way God works so often in my life.

Submitting your life to God is difficult and requires so much humility, trust, and faith. But at the end of the day, I know that God is working all this out for me way better than I could have! I am so anxious to hold my baby girl Johanna Haven in my arms and beyond thankful that God is trusting her life to me. I just have to be more willing to trust my life to Him.

On Hold

How a pregnancy can severely slow down an adoption process.

Tim and I met with our homestudy assessor on Monday for what we thought would be our final interview. Tim and I hadn't told her yet about the pregnancy because it just seemed like an inappropriate thing to say over email. "Hey, how are ya? We're pregnant! But let's get together and get this homestudy thing done!" So we waited until this Panera meeting to break the news.

It is so funny because I could see how her line of questioning was opening itself up to the topic of babies. Her first question was about how long we have been trying to have children, to which I answered..."we really haven't been." She gave me a funny look and asked me if I've ever lost any pregnancies, to which I answered..."none to my knowledge."  She then asked me about infertility, to which I answered..."we're pregnant." It was so interesting to see her whole face change. Of course I understand that many, many families turn to adoption because of fertility issues; and for those people my heart literally aches. But we explained to our assessor that we have felt God prompting us to grow our family through birth and adoption since August. This is why we started the adoption process before we even knew whether or not everyone had working parts. :)

Time to rant...I have never viewed adoption as plan B. I understand that many people do. Since that way didn't work, we'll do this. This is by all means a very real solution for some people and I am so excited that many of my friends have become parents through adoption only! For Tim and I, however, it has always just been part of the plan. This is why it's not too terribly surprising that we got pregnant during our homestudy.  This is why we started our homestudy at the tender ages of 25 and 26. This is a part of the plan no matter if we birth children or not.

After we broke the news she obviously congratulated us and asked us the typical questions that follow such news (when are you due, how many weeks are you, do you know what you're having yet). She then explained that because of our pregnancy, basically no agencies would view us as possible candidates for placement until our baby is at least a few months old. This would put us in the winter of 2014. I sort of knew this once the stick turned pink but it was still slightly disappointing to hear it from a professional in the adoption field. 

She then said that if we finished the homestudy now, in June, we would have 2 years to complete an adoption. Basically we'd be a ticking time bomb before we have to pay to renew the homestudy. However, we can put the homestudy "on hold" until after the baby comes. This would then put our approval date in (probably) January of 2014 and give us an additional 8 months to complete an adoption down the road. It is clear that more time is better so this seemed like a good solution. She said this happens to more families than I would expect. Other families are like ours in that they get pregnant during this process, some have a family emergency to attend to during the homestudy that causes a hold, and some have other reasons than that!

I had assumed this whole time that our assessor would be annoyed/angry/frustrated with us somehow. She was, as I'm sure most sane people would understand, totally fine with this hold. Like I said, she assured us that this happens a lot and would not later hurt our chances to adopt.

So, like I always ask, where does this leave us? We're officially "done" working on our homestudy until November when this avocado baby arrives. After that, we will finish the homestudy once and for all (huzzah!) and begin to pray. We know that we obviously don't want to immediately bring home a second child. That would be completely crazy. However, we know that God still wants to use us to adopt an older child so we will pray. I know that God will speak just as loudly to us 10 months from now about how He wants to use us as He did all those times He hollered about adoption the first time.

I am thankful for taking my adoption classes. I think that these will help me to be a better parent. I am thankful that I read those "how to raise adopted children" books. I think that these will help me be a better parent as well. I now need to focus on this baby that God has blessed me with in womb.

God is good. Even when He makes you turn left when you wanted to go straight, He's a good God. My pastor once said that God is like a Cosmic GPS which will continue to make you to turn until you end up where He wants you, not where you want you. I have never felt that more than I did this year. I'm holding on tight and praying that we have fewer hard left turns and instead just a windy road.

Sacrifices

This parenting thing is already testing me.

We're not even really parents yet but I feel like I'm already thinking about this child more than myself. I guess that is exactly what is supposed to happen when you have a kid. You, ya know, put their needs ahead of your own. Well this baby isn't even here yet and I'm already trying to make decisions that will better his/her future.

The reason this is so on my mind right now is due to the events of last weekend. This time last week I should have been in Myrtle Beach. Where was I you ask? Here, in Columbus, having a very average weekend. When I was asked by some friends to join them at the beach I wanted nothing more than to say yes. However, being a good student of Dave Ramsey, I consulted our budget to see how much money we could spare so I could go on this trip. Looking the budget over there was definitely money for me to go....

...However, knowing that in November our lives were going to change drastically forever, I could hardly bring myself to spend this money. Right now we already have the bill from the doctor for my appointments, ultrasounds, and her fees. After that we will get what I'm sure will be a fairly large hospital bill. Then of course we are bringing home a baby who needs diapers, food, clothes, and all that other stuff. Like I always say, I'm not trying to complain and I certainly don't want anyone to think "oh, those poor kids!" 

As parents, Tim and I have decided to slow down our spending and save money like it's going out of print in an attempt to be better prepared for this child. This decision has come at a cost to us. This means that we will spend less time going out with friends, we will eat less expensive food, and we will certainly not go to the beach. It just seems silly to us to spend our extra money which can be saved for the hospital bills and such on things that aren't really that important.

Becoming a parent has been a humbling experience of our lives. While becoming so focused on this tiny being we are then forced to push down our own wants and desires. But isn't this exactly what all good parents do? How much more respect do I now have for my own parents. How much have they sacrificed over the years? I'm 25 years old---they must have given up thousands of things for me over the years. And I know that this simple sacrifice of saying no to one vacation is the first of thousands of sacrifices that I will make for this child. Not just financial sacrifices but I know that I will have to sacrifice my time, energy, and every resource I have available for this child.

So, to be honest, it was REALLY HARD for me to say no to this girls weekend at the beach. However, when that baby comes home with us, I know these temporary feelings of jealousy and sadness of not being able to go will leave. So this post is for all you current parents, who understand way more than me that being a parent is easily the most humbling job on the planet. I still have a lot to learn!

The Next Chapter of Our Story

Some Major Changes Are on the Way...

I know that I have said this before, but I feel like once you say yes to God, your life will get flipped on its head. Well, He’s done it once again.

We’re pregnant.

Let’s start at the beginning. When Tim and I started our 6 months of prayer and fasting about our family we felt like God spoke to us clearly and said that He wants us to welcome children into our home in any way, shape, or form. At that time we had no idea whether He still meant through adoption or if He meant through birthing our own children. We continued to pray about this and really felt like God was saying it was okay for either or both to happen. With that seal of approval we moved forward with the adoption and put the thought of babies on the back burner.


Cut to March. One weekday morning I realize that I’m experiencing some symptoms of pregnancy. Panic fills me from head to toe. I took a test at home and sure enough-two pink lines. The first feeling I had when I saw that stick was complete terror. There’s no going back now. Of course I wanted to be pregnant; of course I want to birth my own children-but now?! Is now, two months into our homestudy process, really the time for me to get pregnant?

As I told Tim he calmly reminded me that “he knew this would happen.” He then also informed me that we’d figure it out and everything would be okay. I spent the next 3 hours of my evening mulling it all over. By 9PM that night I was overcome with guilt. How could I be upset about this miracle that is taking place in my body. Babies are a miracle from God. The fact that while Tim and I were not even trying to get pregnant I did indeed become pregnant! It was in that moment that I realized that God was going to bring children into my home in whatever way He sees fit; whether that’s through birthing them, adopting them, or fostering them. God will do what He wants when He wants to. I just have to get on board with what He is doing. A wise friend once told me that I am not going to screw up God’s plan and I think that’s true. I believe that God is a good Sheppard and He will lead me to where I need to be. It is not about me being a good follower, it is about Him being a good leader.


Now having had several weeks to process this, I am still in a state of confusion. Can we really afford to have a baby? What does this mean for our boy that we are fighting so hard to bring home? This is the question that hurts my heart the most and keeps me up most nights. In my mind there is no way this can work out for him. I feel so guilty when I think that because I got pregnant that this child will no longer have a home. However, I realize that this is slightly crazy seeing as I am not the end all be all for this child. I am not the only solution for this child’s life. In all reality, without a baby we still might not be a good fit for him. I have to trust that God has this boy in His hands and that He will put him in the best home possible. This still might be our home, and by golly if it is we’ll take him! But I have to accept the fact that God might also have an even better plan for this boy that does not include the Swetts.

So where does this leave us? Tim and I are going to complete our homestudy. We are still going to inquire about "our" boy once it is complete. Once we have told the county that we are interested, they will then have the opportunity to decide if they think that our home is a good fit for this boy. A good thing to note here is that just because we inquire about a child does not mean that we are going to get him. We are just expressing interest and seeing if the county finds us to be good parents for a particular child. Some good news in all of this is a homestudy is valid for two years before it needs to be updated (which even then is an easy process). Meaning, if it doesn't work out with the sweet boy we've chosen now, we could try again until 2015. We know God still has adoption in our future. He wouldn't have let us go through all this if it wasn't.


Life is funny; as soon as we accepted one reality from God, He threw another one at us. I feel like God rarely let's you get too comfortable. I think He likes to operate in this realm of discomfort. If nothing else, it keeps life interesting! So welcome to the full story. For those of you who may be wondering why I have been so weird lately, now you know. I am so thankful that this can now be out in the open! I am terrible at keeping my own secrets. 

We ask that you please continue to pray for "our" sweet foster child and now I'd like you to add our baby to your prayer list. As I have been praying lately I've come to realize that God is always in complete control over my life, my baby's life, and our boy's life. Just as I have told God repeatedly that my life is His, I must also give my child's life to God. This is just like Hannah in 1 Samuel when she committed her son's life to the Lord if He would allow her to become pregnant. Everything in my life needs to be held with open hands in which God can give or take. So I dedicate my baby's life to serve the Lord and ask God that He would also take "our" foster child's life into His hands. He will take better care of my baby and that boy than I ever will.

Trusting...hoping...praying.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."- Psalm 139: 13-14

Welcome Home

My First Airport Homecoming

Tonight was my first (and hopefully one of many) airport homecomings. For those of you not familiar with what an airport homecoming is, this is when a family welcomes home their adopted child with friends and various family members surrounding them (obviously at the airport as their flight comes in). Tonight my friend Mandy welcomed home her son who joined her family all the way from Ghana. All day I was filled with excitement and wondered what her son was thinking as he flew over here; was he excited, nervous, scared? 

As he came into view her entire family went running towards him and a giant group hug followed. There were shouts of joy, tears, and countless hugs and kisses. This was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. This boy now had brothers and sisters who were giving him kisses. This boy now has dozens of friends whom his parents were excitedly introducing him to. This boy has an entirely new life. What an overwhelming thing to think about.

Then Mandy said the following words to her children: "Let's go home." I was so overcome with emotion at those three words. Her son is HOME. This is his HOME now. For this child I joined dozens of people in prayer. I have been praying that this child would come home for months. Now the day is upon us. For this day I have prayed and it is here! 

This was the second adoption that I had the opportunity to see through to a welcome home and both times it was such an emotional high. I know that adoptions are such a miracle and so near and dear to God's heart. As I see these children come into this new life, it is amazing to watch the changes that occur. These children now have a forever family. A family that will love and support them from now on. They have siblings, a mommy, a daddy, they have someone to help them with homework and someone to hold them when they cry. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see the beginnings of these new lives for these children.

After tonight I have a new desire to bring my child home. I want him to experience what Mandy's son got to experience tonight. I want him to see how many people have been praying for him, loving him, and supporting him from afar. I want to hold him, I want to kiss him, I want to tell him that "we're going home." I cannot wait for the day that I get to proudly parade him around and introduce him to all my friends and family members.

I appreciate all of you who have been praying with us so far. I feel like the further we get into this the harder it is becoming. I know God is working in and through us during this process which is why it is all so hard. So, Tim and I really do appreciate all of the love, support, listening, and prayers that so many of you have offered us over these past few months. I am hopeful that one day soon we will be having our own homecoming (which all of you will be invited to of course).

Do Not Worry

Well That Seems Impossible

I worry about everything. I worry about the weather, I worry about my relationships, I worry about what I'm going to cook for dinner, I even worry about my insane amount of worries.

Tim and I had a recent devotion which included none other than Luke 12: 22-34 which is all about not worrying. I'm sure this devotion came to us at an appropriate time as our first visit with our homestudy assessor is tomorrow. I don't really know why I am worried or what I should even be worried about. I have been cleaning the apartment down to the baseboards, Tim and I have been practicing sample interview questions that we might be asked, and we are both very much on the same page about basically everything! So what is there to worry about?

I guess my real fear is that this lady will tell us that we are not fit to be adoptive parents. I guess that deep down I have so many insecurities. I am afraid that she will take one look at our life and say that it is not good enough for a child to enter. I know that this might seem crazy but it is something I cannot get over. I can't shake the feeling that we are going to be denied our adopted son. I have spent quite a bit of time Googling "reasons that homestudies are not approved." 

This whole process has made me question myself so much. Who am I really and what kind of parent do I want to be. Tim and I have discussed discipline techniques, how to toe the line between love and discipline, and above all we have discussed how in the world we can afford our growing family. More than anything though I have questioned the Swetts ability to be a truly functional family. From the outside looking in, do we just look like a couple of broke kids who have no idea what they're doing?

No matter what happens tomorrow; whether we bomb every question she asks us or our apartment isn't as clean as I think it is (although this is highly unlikely), I have to trust that God is going ahead of me. Whatever way the chips fall in my life, I have to believe that God is in charge of it, not me. I refuse to base my belief system on the good or bad things that happen to me in my life. I chose to believe in the character of my God. Above all I have to remember to have faith and trust in who my God is. My God is goodness, my God is righteousness, my God is justice, my God is love, my God is trustworthy, and my God is for me. This is why I shouldn't worry about my life. If I really believe that God is all of those things, why should I worry?

The burdens I am currently carrying are entirely too heavy. There is no way I can face my challenges alone. I am thankful for a God who is willing and able to take all of my worries and concerns. That isn't to say that I don't spend most of my waking hours with a constant inner turmoil while thinking about everything that is going on. However, I encourage you to try to give up some of those worries to God. This isn't an easy process and requires a daily "giving up" but I can't think of anyone better to whine to about my problems that God (and of course all of you reading this!).

Transparency

Free From Pretense or Deceit

**DISCLAIMER** This blog entry is about more than just our adoption. God is working on a lot of things in our lives!

I have been watching a lot of Pretty Little Liars lately. My coworker suggested it and I am now hooked. One of the most interesting things that I have learned from this show is how easy it is to get caught up in a lie. These 4 girls lie about some of the most ridiculous things like who sent them a text. If they could just be honest about 1 or 2 more things in their lives they would be in half the trouble that they find themselves in.

This leads me to the context of this post. Tim and I have spent the past 9 weeks (sometimes suffering through) Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class. When we signed up in January, I thought we'd learn a little about how to make a budget. Well, as tonight was our last night I realized that I had learned more about myself than I ever did about balancing a zero budget or opening a Roth IRA.

The biggest thing that I got out of this class is the importance of being open, honest, and most importantly, transparent with those around you. At the end of each Dave Ramsey lesson you break up into small groups. Here you are surrounded by 8-10 strangers talking about your finances. The strange part was I never felt ashamed or embarrassed to share what was happening in our lives financially (and we had some doozies over these past 2 months). It was actually quite freeing to talk to others about some stressful events in our lives and the best part was we were always met with compassion and understanding.

God intended for us to live in community. This life was never meant to be lived alone. God wants you to have deep, intimate relationships with your family members and with friends. When you develop these intimate relationships, you can share with one another your struggles and your successes. How can you know to help someone you love if they refuse to share with you that they are struggling? How well do you know someone when they plaster a fake smile to their face and tell you they're okay? I feel like in America it is so taboo to share with others about our finances. Why is this? Why can't we talk about this? Wouldn't you rather help a friend buy some groceries instead of seeing them go on food stamps?

In the end, I feel more and more humbled each day. God has been slowly chipping away at both mine and Tim's pride. The Lord is showing me that I need to have open hands at all times. There will be seasons where my hands are open to give freely to those around me. There will also be seasons where my hands will need to be open to receive from those around me. I know from experience that it is painfully hard to accept financial help from others in a time of struggle. But the good news is I am not always in a place of needing to receive. It is one of the greatest joys to be able to give, and give big, to others that are in need.

So, I encourage all of you to examine your posture. Are you clenching your fists; holding onto something afraid to let go? Or are you willing to share whatever you have with those around you? This world is a scary place. Life is infinitely more peaceful when you let others in on your struggles and successes. 

So Unworthy

I Don't Deserve Any of This

If you've ever seen the movie Wayne's World, you can remember the scene in which Garth and Wayne fall to their knees screaming "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" after meeting Alice Cooper. I often find myself wanting to do this same thing. Especially today, Good Friday, as I reflect on the amazing sacrifice that my Lord made 2,000 years ago. I am so very unworthy of this love He offers me and I don't know where my life would be without it. He loves me enough to die for me even though I'm a complete mess. He accepts me at my worst and loves me enough to help me become my best. He is infinitely good to me.

The problem is, I often find myself feeling like I am entitled to good things. I think that I am a "good" person. I am usually honest, I don't steal, I go to church, I try to only say kind things, I rarely swear, and I often let people over in traffic. I am, by the world's standards, a good citizen. So why do so many bad things happen to Tim and I? Since we have started this adoption process, I feel like we have had a string of crazy things happen to us, most of which end with us paying a lot of money. We have literally lost thousands of dollars since we said yes to adoption (and before you read on, this is by no means a Swetty pity party). As Tim and I continue to incur challenge after challenge, I crack under the pressure more and more. I feel like we keep getting pushed back further and further hoping to find the wall back there somewhere.

Finally, in a moment of weakness this past week, I asked a co-worker the following question: "why are Tim and I going through so much crap when we are good people trying to do a good thing? There are people out there who are bad and they have good things happen to them? How is this fair?!" I tell you what, as SOON as those words came out of my mouth, I was overcome with guilt. Who am I to judge if a person is good or bad? How is it at all for me to decide whether "good" or "bad" things happen to those around me? And who says I am a good person? Honestly, I am not. I am flawed, full of sin, imperfect, and very broken. The truth of the matter is, I don't deserve anything good. I am not entitled to anything in this world. There is no magic equation which says if you do these 4 nice things then x, y, and z will happen to you.

And even though I sit here saying I don't deserve anything good, God has given me so many things to be thankful for. A loving husband, food, shelter, a supportive family, funny friends, and adorable kids to teach. It's funny how easy it is to overlook the good things in your life when you feel like you are stuck under one of those gray storm clouds.

The point of this rant is this: all those years ago, Jesus suffered for ME (and you). He lived a life filled with ridicule and pain for ME (and you). If anyone deserved good things to happen to Him, it was Jesus. Jesus, a man who had no place to lay his head at night. Jesus, a man who was mocked by his own people. Jesus, a man who was betrayed by one of his best friends. Jesus, a man who suffered endless torture and a painful death. So who am I to sit here and say that I deserve better than this, that I deserve more than Him? As a disciple of Christ, I get to share in His suffering. As a follower of God I know that my life will be filled with pain and suffering. But luckily, my story doesn't end here. I also know that as a disciple of Christ I get to share in his inheritance which waits for me in His Kingdom. 

So, for those of you reading, I honestly don't know why terrible, awful things happen to really good people. But I do know that it's "time to put on your big girl panties" and deal. In this life you will face trial after trial, but do not lose hope. You always have hope in the Lord. Things may seem hard now but your great reward is coming. Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Finding Contentment

The Pursuit of Happiness

I always want what I can't have. Isn't that the way the American Dream works anyways? Human beings always want more than what they currently have. It doesn't matter how much you have, you are always dreaming about the next thing. No matter how much I pray for peace, I can't help but hate the Joneses. I have a lot of them in my life trying to shake me off the path of contentment in the Lord.

Everyone I know is buying a house and I couldn't be more jealous. Well, maybe not everyone, but it feels that way. When Tim and I started this adoption process, God spoke to me and told me very clearly that all an orphaned child needs is love. An orphaned child needs the love of a parent and the love of God. God told me that I can easily provide a home that reflects those types of love no matter where I live. So, Tim and I moved forward without the house portion. 

However, I find myself daily questioning if this was a stupid decision. What if we had saved our homestudy money to put towards a down payment? As I sit here typing this entry in my two bedroom apartment, I can't help but feel guilty. Doesn't our future child deserve all the best we can offer? Is THIS apartment the best we can offer? Is this good enough? I feel like my heart and my head are in two very different places. In my heart, I know that my child needs to come home ASAP and that the "home" in which he enters doesn't matter. However, in my head I can't help but feel like this isn't good enough. We can't offer a child enough. It's obvious who rules my heart and who rules my head; I need to figure out a way to get them in line with one another.

The tough part of following God's will for your life is that it doesn't make sense. Ever. I feel like 98% of the people in my life probably think that this path Tim and I are on is ridiculous. We're young and broke trying to rescue a child. Are we worthy of rescuing him? God thinks so. The Lord believes in Tim and I and that has to be enough. I can't care what the world thinks of what we're doing because honestly, this world is full of broken people making broken decisions. And we're just as broken. That's why this is so hard. I am an imperfect person trying to follow the plans of a perfect God. Of course I'm going to screw this up and question myself daily.

I have to trust in the plan that God has laid before Tim and I. We will get a house when the Lord is ready for us to have one. He is a good Father who wants good things for Tim and I. He is not the one making me question His goodness. So for those of you out there who are buying a house, sorry if I don't exude excitement the way that you want me to. I promise that part of me is excited for you, but my facial expressions don't always catch up to my head.

In what area of your life are you searching for contentment? Your job, your family, your singleness? This is a hard road to walk. The path to joy really only has one ending point and that of course is in the arms of my God. But there are a lot of people out there who will try to knock you off this path to real joy. Remember, in HIM alone you will find joy. I don't want to be anywhere but on the path that leads me to His purposes for my life.

Quoted from my prayer journal last Sunday: "All I need is You Lord! I don't need money, reputation, a house, a nice car, certain clothes, the newest iPhone, my future son, babies, even my husband. I don't need any of those things like the way I need You. Continue to break me down Lord. Refine me until I am the person YOU want me to be." Be still my heart; in God alone will I find joy.

Patience Is My Least Favorite Virtue...

...but it's the one I find myself working on most often.

Waiting for something that you want sucks. There I said it. I hate waiting in lines, I hate waiting in traffic, I hate waiting for dinner to finish cooking, I hate waiting for my kids at school to put their coats, I just hate waiting. I think the point I am trying to make is: I.HATE.WAITING. 

I'm sure you see where this post is heading. Tim and I turned in our homestudy application 3 weeks ago. Which in all honesty isn't that long ago. But in Rachel time we turned in the application 7 months ago. In the 3 weeks since we turned in our application we have been diligently chipping away at the many items that need to be completed for the homestudy. Fingerprinting, getting a physical, filling out endless amount of paperwork, and so on. Well, as Boyz II Men would say, we have come to the end of the road. We have reached a point where we now have to wait. Seriously?

Let me back this up a bit. We have to complete several classes as part of our homestudy process. The agency we are using recently finished up their winter round of said classes and now we have to wait until April to start taking them. April?! In case you are unaware of the way the calendar works-that is next month! To further frustrate this point, our homestudy assessor (who God bless her has already answered 2.3 million questions from me) told me that there really isn't  much else we can do until we start taking our classes. 

I understand you rational thinkers will say "well, that's really only a few weeks away" but it feels like an eternity. I do not know what I will do with myself while I wait for these classes. For those who do not know me well, I am not one who can calmly sit around and leisurely read a book on a Saturday afternoon. If I do not have solid, real-life work that needs to be completed on a daily basis I go bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S.  

So, to everyone out there reading, you just might get some sort of new Pinterest craft from me that you can hang on your wall and say: "Rachel is losing her mind waiting for her homestudy classes and all I got was this stupid craft."

The good news: my homestudy assessor said if we can get all of our classes in during the month of April she could probably still have our homestudy complete by the end of April. From there we would then contact the adoption agency where we found our sweet boy and then, who knows! 

This is my warning for all my control-freak friends out there: adoption is overwhelmingly out of your hands! So much of this process depends on so many various people; many of whom may not work at the same pace. The 2 months in which we have really been invested in this so far have already taught me so much how to let go and let God. Sometimes the dreams God puts into your life are ones that you have to pray hard about and pray LONG about. I learned how to pray hard years ago; praying long is a new one. I encourage you to not give up on the big dreams that seem far away. Dreams of starting a family, or starting your own business, or paying off your sibling's debt, or moving to a foreign country. Truthfully, they might actually be far away. But God will get you there when HE is ready, not  you. Trust God's timing because only He can see the big picture. I am sure that part of the big picture for Tim and I having to wait is to help further prepare us to be the best parents we can be. It just hurts me knowing that there is a child out there who needs a home and he has to wait because of some silly classes. It seems unfair but God is always good so there is a reason for this too.

I'm sure that most of this is some cosmic payback from the Lord as He had to wait a year on me to say yes to this adoption in the first place. Well, God, I don't think this is very funny! 

So God, I will wait. Tim will wait. We will wait on Your timing.  Your way is so much better than ours. But seriously Lord, we are ready when You are!

Telling Everyone

Start Spreading the News...

We are adopting. This was one of the hardest statements I have ever had to say to my parents. Let me start at the beginning...

After Tim and I had decided to adopt, we waited until we officially had a homestudy provider before telling our parents. We wanted to be 100% sure this was happening before we told them. Once it was "official," (it was only 2 weeks later-I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets) it was time to talk. I did a quick Google search for "ways to tell people you're adopting." Every website I found simply gave advice on how to deal with everyone's reactions. Clearly others were as paranoid as I was about people not being understanding with this news. I really wanted to find a cute way to announce the news like you see so many women do when they announce to people that they are pregnant. A picture saying our house is expanding by 2 feet...or a "you're going to be a Grandma" shirt...or bake buns in the oven! I could find no such ideas for adoption.

We decided to take an easy approach to telling our families. We simply printed out a picture of the boy we had fallen in love with and prepared a speech (this is not a joke-we even practiced it). We told Tim's parents on a Saturday night followed by my parents the next night. After the news was out, they asked many of the same questions: "when will you get him," "what is his story," "how long has he been in foster care," and so many other questions. We answered them all to the best of our ability and I of course, broke down each time we talked about it.

Both sets of parents really seemed to be on board from the beginning which was a relief. I'm sure that all of the people closest to us knew that this would be coming some day but I think they were still shocked that it was happening before we had any birth children. We honestly weren't even trying to have birth babies yet! It is interesting, however, to see the look on people's face as you tell them. I think that when I tell people that I have news, they assume I'm pregnant. Then when they hear we want to adopt an older child, they get this half-confused/half-excited look on their face. I didn't know what to make of this look at first but I now find it kind-of funny. What else can you do but laugh? Tim and I have also had a lot of people say that "we're good people" for doing this. I'm not sure what I think about this statement. I do know, however, that I'm not a very good person, but the Jesus who is working in me is a REALLY GOOD person.

I know that this adoption is 100% what God wants for us, but it is hard to think that this choice might be uncomfortable/weird/even upsetting for others. I am slowly learning to only care about what God (and Tim) think of the life I live but there is a part of my brain that can't turn off this need to please everyone with my choices. 

I do encourage those reading to begin to listen closely to God's opinion on what you are doing. After all, at the end of your life, who do you want to be the most proud of the life you lived? 

Dying to Myself

Dying to Myself

So far this whole adoption process has been overwhelming to say the least. For those who do not know me well, I am a huge control freak. I could probably be clinically diagnosed with 7 different kinds of anxiety disorders. I am so OCD it's ridiculous. To put it lightly, I am a hot mess on my best day.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I actually began to seek the Lord and ask Him what he wanted for my life. I had always thought that I knew what He wanted (to be a teacher and have 3 kids in the burbs of course). The more and more I fell in love with Jesus the more and more I realized that my life was not reflecting this love affair. Jesus calls us to be radically unlike anyone else. To live a life that is counter-cultural in such a way that it might shock those around us. So why then, would He want me to work a normal 9-5 and go home to a white picket fence? As I slowly began to unravel this concept in my mind, He was simultaneously exposing me to orphan care. Coincidence? Probably not.

My first radical yes was going to Africa. I said it so quickly and with very little thinking! I just knew that this was my trip. However, I had never been off the continent before. This yes had to be Jesus. It came a cost, both to my bank account and to my heart. That's how it is though; saying yes to the plans that the Lord has often involve more than just action, saying yes forces you to change. This couldn't be more true about my trip to Zimbabwe. I came back to the U.S. more humble and with tunnel vision. I am on this Earth to care for orphans. Never, have I ever, felt so sure of anything in my life.

Saying yes to adoption, on the other hand, has come in waves. I said a meager yes when I was young and I thought an adopted child would be an adorable addition to my family photo. I said a definitive yes as Tim and I got married and told each other that we would in fact adopt a child "someday." I screamed yes over and over again when I was in Zimbabwe and held dozens of orphaned children in my arms. 

My last yes took the longest. The yes I said to adopting a child out of foster care has taken me over 6 months to say. My desire for an African child is still in my heart and I know that God will meet me there one day, but today, my child is here in the US. I am beyond excited to get him home and I know that a foster care child would be a perfect addition to my family, but this yes came at a cost. I didn't want to say yes to this but God didn't care. Not only did I not want to say yes, I actually told God no on several occasions. But, His plans are so much better than mine. He knew that this was the way and I just had to get on board. I am so thankful that He was patient with me because I know that this yes will lead to something amazing. I am over the moon excited about what God is doing with us right now and I am saddened that it took me 6 months to get here.

My advice, don't take saying yes to God's desires lightly. I promise you, saying yes leads to more discomfort, more stress, more anxiety, and many more problems. The enemy doesn't want to see you following God's plan so he will make the path to God's heart way more difficult than it needs to be. Saying yes also involves a lot of looking at your life and exposing some hard truths about yourself and others. However, saying yes to what God has for you leads to much bigger rewards. His way is ultimately the best, and quite frankly, the only way you should want to live your life.

What is God calling you to do? What are you saying no to today? I encourage you to slowly begin to say yes to God's dreams for your life.

We're Adopting?

We're Adopting?

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to adopt. My idea of what I wanted has changed a lot over the years. Should we adopt from Africa? What about adopting from Asia? How old should the child be? Adoption was just always something I thought would happen one day after I had birthed some children first. It's crazy to think back to my young, naive views on what my life would look like. I wanted to birth a boy, then a girl, and then adopt one child. Oh how the times have changed.

God first opened my eyes to the orphan crisis in July of 2011 when I met a man from Zimbabwe Africa who ran three orphanages there. Listening to him describe the plight of these children, God awoke a sleeping giant in my heart. I was moved in my head and my heart. I knew that the Lord was calling me to care for orphans in some way but still didn't fully understand. My husband Tim and I began to talk more seriously about adoption and what it might look like for us. Then, in November of 2011, I attended an event at my church though the group More4Orphans. It was during this event that I first glimpsed adoptive families and how they can function. I saw a family that had adopted 14 children from around the world and God began prompting me to think  "what can I do for orphans?" The final push to get me looking into this came in March of 2012 when I attended an orphan summit at my church. My heart was broken into what felt like thousands of pieces. God opened my eyes to the need of the millions of orphaned children around the world and I was moved to act.

I came home after this event last March and began to look into adoption online. How old do you have to be? Do you have to be married for a certain number of years? In which countries do they have orphans who are available for adoption by an American couple? While looking online, I found a boy who was up for adoption in Ohio; he was only an hour and a half away from me! Like everyone always says, when you find your child on those photo websites, you feel it in your heart. When I found his picture, my heart not only broke, it exploded. I couldn't get his sweet face out of my head for weeks. Tim and I began to think about this boy and what it could look like for us to have him in our family. 

However, Tim and I were leaving for a mission trip to Africa in three months and didn't want to commit to anything until we got home. So, after we got home from Zimbabwe in July of 2012, we devoted 6 months to prayer. We prayed for adoption and for birthing children. We never felt the Lord move on the birthing end of our prayers, but He spoke loud and clear when it came to adoption. Over and over, He told us we were to adopt locally. This broke me. I had grown a deep love for Africa while I was there and wanted to adopt 15 different African children. I had blinders on and all I could see was bringing home an African child (or 12). I told God no, You're wrong about this! Remember God, we want to adopt from Africa! We continued to pray and I tell you, every time we prayed about this God told us to adopt out of foster care. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Ok God, I get it.

Finally, in January of 2013 after 6 months of prayer, God broke my heart for the last time. I was at a foster care information meeting and I felt overwhelmed by the need of American children in foster homes. God was shouting to me-screaming at me-trying to make me hear what He had been saying all along. I knew it was time to move. I came home that night and asked Tim about adopting locally. He basically told me "of course this is what we're supposed to do. I've been hearing that all along. I'm ready to start a family." My sweet husband who is so devoted to the Lord. Thank You God for Tim's honesty and his listening ears which work much better than mine. Anyways, I went back online to look up adoptable children in Ohio and guess who was still there. The sweet boy we wanted all those months ago who had to celebrate another birthday in foster care because we weren't ready. I refuse to wait any longer.

This leads me to where we are today. After talking to our families (which I will have to write about another day) we are applying for a home study. I feel like in the few weeks since we have said yes to this boy our lives have already gone through so many ups and downs. Most days I feel slightly bipolar with my vast range of emotions. I feel like each day it is something new and I know that this is going to be a fight. We will be fighting all the way up until our boy is home. BUT, I have faith and I trust that God is going to see us through this.

Our yes is on the table Lord. We ask You to meet us here and help us get our boy home.