We Have a Name...
Choosing a name for our daughter has been an exhausting process. This could be because having a daughter was not what I thought would be happening to us right now. After the weeks of processing and grieving I went through when we realized that the adoption wasn't going to happen, I had a hard time being excited for the child in my belly. This is really hard for me to admit publicly, and I feel slightly like a terrible mother for saying this. But it is completely the truth. My mind was so wrapped up in the adoption of that sweet boy that I couldn't imagine anything else for my life.
However, after some time of grieving, I realized that I was actually really excited about being pregnant. No, this wasn't the plan, but it is a blessing and something to be excited about! However, for some reason I still had my head and heart set on a boy. I'm sure this is because we had prayed for a son (the foster child) for over a year. A boy's name came quickly and easily to us. When asked about a girl's name, however, I drew a blank. No names sounded good, no names felt right, the whole thing just felt wrong. People would go through an exhaustive list of names and at the end I would be no closer to a decision.
About one month before we found out we were having a daughter, we had a first name. Her name will be Johanna. There is quite a story behind this name and it goes something like this...
Right after we found out that we were pregnant (back in March) I began to pray like Hannah in the book of 1 Samuel. Hannah was barren and this was her prayer: "And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." How I interpreted this prayer is as follows: Hannah prayed for a son for a very long time. In the beginning, her prayer may have been selfish. She wanted a son simply because she wanted one. Back in August when we started praying about our family this is how Tim and I prayed. "God, we want a child-how do you want us to grow our family?" This isn't a bad prayer, just slightly selfish and very focused on us. Over time, Hannah's prayers changed (because repetitive prayer over time changes you-not God- and your prayers will better reflect what HE wants for you) and her prayer became one of submission. If God would give her a son she would then give him right back to God. This is what I had to pray for that foster boy we so desperately wanted to bring home. He was never ours-he has always been God's child. God can do with him what He wants. In all honesty, God can do anything He wants with me, Tim, you, and my daughter. Nothing on this Earth is ever really ours and that is okay. God can take better care of me, my husband, and my child than I ever could. I had to submit myself, the child in my belly, and that foster boy to God. This was a hard realization but very freeing at the same time.
I think you can now see where this is going. Throughout my whole pregnancy Hannah has been a very special person to me. Her prayer literally carried me though the weeks of grieving that I experienced for that foster boy who was no longer "ours" and as I realized that the child in my belly would never fully be mine. In the end, God is the only one completely in control of her life. So, since I was so obsessed with Hannah, I realized that my daughter's name should be reflective of this love. That is why her name is Johanna. The name Johanna also means "God is Gracious" which is obviously a very true fact! I pray that my daughter will always believe in a gracious God who extends grace to her in all circumstances. I also hope that her character is reflective of her name and that she herself is able to extend grace to those around her.
Her middle name is going to be Haven. This also has a very special meaning to Tim and I. From the beginning of our pregnancy, I had a themed idea for our children's middle names. I want all of their middle names to be attributes of God. Tim and I both discussed our favorite attributes of God-mine is love and his is protector. Love didn't work (Johanna Love Swett....ew) but a variation of protector did. Tim and I both believe that God is our save haven. The Bible even uses the word haven in Psalm 107:30: "They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven." I also pray that this middle name is one that she can live up to. I hope that she always views God as her safe haven; the person she can run to with all of her fears, worries, and troubles. I also hope that she is herself a person around which others feel safe and comforted. I pray that Johanna Haven is able to be "that person" that people can always run to when they need a sanctuary.
Having her name picked out has really helped to make this real for us. The whole process of going from adopting a school-age boy to instead birthing a little girl has been a tough one for us to process. But a friend told me over the weekend that our story is one that is very reflective of God. He often takes your plans and flips them on their head...from an older boy to a baby girl. Total opposites...and totally the way God works so often in my life.
Submitting your life to God is difficult and requires so much humility, trust, and faith. But at the end of the day, I know that God is working all this out for me way better than I could have! I am so anxious to hold my baby girl Johanna Haven in my arms and beyond thankful that God is trusting her life to me. I just have to be more willing to trust my life to Him.
