Dying to Myself

Dying to Myself

So far this whole adoption process has been overwhelming to say the least. For those who do not know me well, I am a huge control freak. I could probably be clinically diagnosed with 7 different kinds of anxiety disorders. I am so OCD it's ridiculous. To put it lightly, I am a hot mess on my best day.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I actually began to seek the Lord and ask Him what he wanted for my life. I had always thought that I knew what He wanted (to be a teacher and have 3 kids in the burbs of course). The more and more I fell in love with Jesus the more and more I realized that my life was not reflecting this love affair. Jesus calls us to be radically unlike anyone else. To live a life that is counter-cultural in such a way that it might shock those around us. So why then, would He want me to work a normal 9-5 and go home to a white picket fence? As I slowly began to unravel this concept in my mind, He was simultaneously exposing me to orphan care. Coincidence? Probably not.

My first radical yes was going to Africa. I said it so quickly and with very little thinking! I just knew that this was my trip. However, I had never been off the continent before. This yes had to be Jesus. It came a cost, both to my bank account and to my heart. That's how it is though; saying yes to the plans that the Lord has often involve more than just action, saying yes forces you to change. This couldn't be more true about my trip to Zimbabwe. I came back to the U.S. more humble and with tunnel vision. I am on this Earth to care for orphans. Never, have I ever, felt so sure of anything in my life.

Saying yes to adoption, on the other hand, has come in waves. I said a meager yes when I was young and I thought an adopted child would be an adorable addition to my family photo. I said a definitive yes as Tim and I got married and told each other that we would in fact adopt a child "someday." I screamed yes over and over again when I was in Zimbabwe and held dozens of orphaned children in my arms. 

My last yes took the longest. The yes I said to adopting a child out of foster care has taken me over 6 months to say. My desire for an African child is still in my heart and I know that God will meet me there one day, but today, my child is here in the US. I am beyond excited to get him home and I know that a foster care child would be a perfect addition to my family, but this yes came at a cost. I didn't want to say yes to this but God didn't care. Not only did I not want to say yes, I actually told God no on several occasions. But, His plans are so much better than mine. He knew that this was the way and I just had to get on board. I am so thankful that He was patient with me because I know that this yes will lead to something amazing. I am over the moon excited about what God is doing with us right now and I am saddened that it took me 6 months to get here.

My advice, don't take saying yes to God's desires lightly. I promise you, saying yes leads to more discomfort, more stress, more anxiety, and many more problems. The enemy doesn't want to see you following God's plan so he will make the path to God's heart way more difficult than it needs to be. Saying yes also involves a lot of looking at your life and exposing some hard truths about yourself and others. However, saying yes to what God has for you leads to much bigger rewards. His way is ultimately the best, and quite frankly, the only way you should want to live your life.

What is God calling you to do? What are you saying no to today? I encourage you to slowly begin to say yes to God's dreams for your life.

We're Adopting?

We're Adopting?

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to adopt. My idea of what I wanted has changed a lot over the years. Should we adopt from Africa? What about adopting from Asia? How old should the child be? Adoption was just always something I thought would happen one day after I had birthed some children first. It's crazy to think back to my young, naive views on what my life would look like. I wanted to birth a boy, then a girl, and then adopt one child. Oh how the times have changed.

God first opened my eyes to the orphan crisis in July of 2011 when I met a man from Zimbabwe Africa who ran three orphanages there. Listening to him describe the plight of these children, God awoke a sleeping giant in my heart. I was moved in my head and my heart. I knew that the Lord was calling me to care for orphans in some way but still didn't fully understand. My husband Tim and I began to talk more seriously about adoption and what it might look like for us. Then, in November of 2011, I attended an event at my church though the group More4Orphans. It was during this event that I first glimpsed adoptive families and how they can function. I saw a family that had adopted 14 children from around the world and God began prompting me to think  "what can I do for orphans?" The final push to get me looking into this came in March of 2012 when I attended an orphan summit at my church. My heart was broken into what felt like thousands of pieces. God opened my eyes to the need of the millions of orphaned children around the world and I was moved to act.

I came home after this event last March and began to look into adoption online. How old do you have to be? Do you have to be married for a certain number of years? In which countries do they have orphans who are available for adoption by an American couple? While looking online, I found a boy who was up for adoption in Ohio; he was only an hour and a half away from me! Like everyone always says, when you find your child on those photo websites, you feel it in your heart. When I found his picture, my heart not only broke, it exploded. I couldn't get his sweet face out of my head for weeks. Tim and I began to think about this boy and what it could look like for us to have him in our family. 

However, Tim and I were leaving for a mission trip to Africa in three months and didn't want to commit to anything until we got home. So, after we got home from Zimbabwe in July of 2012, we devoted 6 months to prayer. We prayed for adoption and for birthing children. We never felt the Lord move on the birthing end of our prayers, but He spoke loud and clear when it came to adoption. Over and over, He told us we were to adopt locally. This broke me. I had grown a deep love for Africa while I was there and wanted to adopt 15 different African children. I had blinders on and all I could see was bringing home an African child (or 12). I told God no, You're wrong about this! Remember God, we want to adopt from Africa! We continued to pray and I tell you, every time we prayed about this God told us to adopt out of foster care. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Ok God, I get it.

Finally, in January of 2013 after 6 months of prayer, God broke my heart for the last time. I was at a foster care information meeting and I felt overwhelmed by the need of American children in foster homes. God was shouting to me-screaming at me-trying to make me hear what He had been saying all along. I knew it was time to move. I came home that night and asked Tim about adopting locally. He basically told me "of course this is what we're supposed to do. I've been hearing that all along. I'm ready to start a family." My sweet husband who is so devoted to the Lord. Thank You God for Tim's honesty and his listening ears which work much better than mine. Anyways, I went back online to look up adoptable children in Ohio and guess who was still there. The sweet boy we wanted all those months ago who had to celebrate another birthday in foster care because we weren't ready. I refuse to wait any longer.

This leads me to where we are today. After talking to our families (which I will have to write about another day) we are applying for a home study. I feel like in the few weeks since we have said yes to this boy our lives have already gone through so many ups and downs. Most days I feel slightly bipolar with my vast range of emotions. I feel like each day it is something new and I know that this is going to be a fight. We will be fighting all the way up until our boy is home. BUT, I have faith and I trust that God is going to see us through this.

Our yes is on the table Lord. We ask You to meet us here and help us get our boy home.