So Unworthy

I Don't Deserve Any of This

If you've ever seen the movie Wayne's World, you can remember the scene in which Garth and Wayne fall to their knees screaming "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" after meeting Alice Cooper. I often find myself wanting to do this same thing. Especially today, Good Friday, as I reflect on the amazing sacrifice that my Lord made 2,000 years ago. I am so very unworthy of this love He offers me and I don't know where my life would be without it. He loves me enough to die for me even though I'm a complete mess. He accepts me at my worst and loves me enough to help me become my best. He is infinitely good to me.

The problem is, I often find myself feeling like I am entitled to good things. I think that I am a "good" person. I am usually honest, I don't steal, I go to church, I try to only say kind things, I rarely swear, and I often let people over in traffic. I am, by the world's standards, a good citizen. So why do so many bad things happen to Tim and I? Since we have started this adoption process, I feel like we have had a string of crazy things happen to us, most of which end with us paying a lot of money. We have literally lost thousands of dollars since we said yes to adoption (and before you read on, this is by no means a Swetty pity party). As Tim and I continue to incur challenge after challenge, I crack under the pressure more and more. I feel like we keep getting pushed back further and further hoping to find the wall back there somewhere.

Finally, in a moment of weakness this past week, I asked a co-worker the following question: "why are Tim and I going through so much crap when we are good people trying to do a good thing? There are people out there who are bad and they have good things happen to them? How is this fair?!" I tell you what, as SOON as those words came out of my mouth, I was overcome with guilt. Who am I to judge if a person is good or bad? How is it at all for me to decide whether "good" or "bad" things happen to those around me? And who says I am a good person? Honestly, I am not. I am flawed, full of sin, imperfect, and very broken. The truth of the matter is, I don't deserve anything good. I am not entitled to anything in this world. There is no magic equation which says if you do these 4 nice things then x, y, and z will happen to you.

And even though I sit here saying I don't deserve anything good, God has given me so many things to be thankful for. A loving husband, food, shelter, a supportive family, funny friends, and adorable kids to teach. It's funny how easy it is to overlook the good things in your life when you feel like you are stuck under one of those gray storm clouds.

The point of this rant is this: all those years ago, Jesus suffered for ME (and you). He lived a life filled with ridicule and pain for ME (and you). If anyone deserved good things to happen to Him, it was Jesus. Jesus, a man who had no place to lay his head at night. Jesus, a man who was mocked by his own people. Jesus, a man who was betrayed by one of his best friends. Jesus, a man who suffered endless torture and a painful death. So who am I to sit here and say that I deserve better than this, that I deserve more than Him? As a disciple of Christ, I get to share in His suffering. As a follower of God I know that my life will be filled with pain and suffering. But luckily, my story doesn't end here. I also know that as a disciple of Christ I get to share in his inheritance which waits for me in His Kingdom. 

So, for those of you reading, I honestly don't know why terrible, awful things happen to really good people. But I do know that it's "time to put on your big girl panties" and deal. In this life you will face trial after trial, but do not lose hope. You always have hope in the Lord. Things may seem hard now but your great reward is coming. Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Finding Contentment

The Pursuit of Happiness

I always want what I can't have. Isn't that the way the American Dream works anyways? Human beings always want more than what they currently have. It doesn't matter how much you have, you are always dreaming about the next thing. No matter how much I pray for peace, I can't help but hate the Joneses. I have a lot of them in my life trying to shake me off the path of contentment in the Lord.

Everyone I know is buying a house and I couldn't be more jealous. Well, maybe not everyone, but it feels that way. When Tim and I started this adoption process, God spoke to me and told me very clearly that all an orphaned child needs is love. An orphaned child needs the love of a parent and the love of God. God told me that I can easily provide a home that reflects those types of love no matter where I live. So, Tim and I moved forward without the house portion. 

However, I find myself daily questioning if this was a stupid decision. What if we had saved our homestudy money to put towards a down payment? As I sit here typing this entry in my two bedroom apartment, I can't help but feel guilty. Doesn't our future child deserve all the best we can offer? Is THIS apartment the best we can offer? Is this good enough? I feel like my heart and my head are in two very different places. In my heart, I know that my child needs to come home ASAP and that the "home" in which he enters doesn't matter. However, in my head I can't help but feel like this isn't good enough. We can't offer a child enough. It's obvious who rules my heart and who rules my head; I need to figure out a way to get them in line with one another.

The tough part of following God's will for your life is that it doesn't make sense. Ever. I feel like 98% of the people in my life probably think that this path Tim and I are on is ridiculous. We're young and broke trying to rescue a child. Are we worthy of rescuing him? God thinks so. The Lord believes in Tim and I and that has to be enough. I can't care what the world thinks of what we're doing because honestly, this world is full of broken people making broken decisions. And we're just as broken. That's why this is so hard. I am an imperfect person trying to follow the plans of a perfect God. Of course I'm going to screw this up and question myself daily.

I have to trust in the plan that God has laid before Tim and I. We will get a house when the Lord is ready for us to have one. He is a good Father who wants good things for Tim and I. He is not the one making me question His goodness. So for those of you out there who are buying a house, sorry if I don't exude excitement the way that you want me to. I promise that part of me is excited for you, but my facial expressions don't always catch up to my head.

In what area of your life are you searching for contentment? Your job, your family, your singleness? This is a hard road to walk. The path to joy really only has one ending point and that of course is in the arms of my God. But there are a lot of people out there who will try to knock you off this path to real joy. Remember, in HIM alone you will find joy. I don't want to be anywhere but on the path that leads me to His purposes for my life.

Quoted from my prayer journal last Sunday: "All I need is You Lord! I don't need money, reputation, a house, a nice car, certain clothes, the newest iPhone, my future son, babies, even my husband. I don't need any of those things like the way I need You. Continue to break me down Lord. Refine me until I am the person YOU want me to be." Be still my heart; in God alone will I find joy.

Patience Is My Least Favorite Virtue...

...but it's the one I find myself working on most often.

Waiting for something that you want sucks. There I said it. I hate waiting in lines, I hate waiting in traffic, I hate waiting for dinner to finish cooking, I hate waiting for my kids at school to put their coats, I just hate waiting. I think the point I am trying to make is: I.HATE.WAITING. 

I'm sure you see where this post is heading. Tim and I turned in our homestudy application 3 weeks ago. Which in all honesty isn't that long ago. But in Rachel time we turned in the application 7 months ago. In the 3 weeks since we turned in our application we have been diligently chipping away at the many items that need to be completed for the homestudy. Fingerprinting, getting a physical, filling out endless amount of paperwork, and so on. Well, as Boyz II Men would say, we have come to the end of the road. We have reached a point where we now have to wait. Seriously?

Let me back this up a bit. We have to complete several classes as part of our homestudy process. The agency we are using recently finished up their winter round of said classes and now we have to wait until April to start taking them. April?! In case you are unaware of the way the calendar works-that is next month! To further frustrate this point, our homestudy assessor (who God bless her has already answered 2.3 million questions from me) told me that there really isn't  much else we can do until we start taking our classes. 

I understand you rational thinkers will say "well, that's really only a few weeks away" but it feels like an eternity. I do not know what I will do with myself while I wait for these classes. For those who do not know me well, I am not one who can calmly sit around and leisurely read a book on a Saturday afternoon. If I do not have solid, real-life work that needs to be completed on a daily basis I go bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S.  

So, to everyone out there reading, you just might get some sort of new Pinterest craft from me that you can hang on your wall and say: "Rachel is losing her mind waiting for her homestudy classes and all I got was this stupid craft."

The good news: my homestudy assessor said if we can get all of our classes in during the month of April she could probably still have our homestudy complete by the end of April. From there we would then contact the adoption agency where we found our sweet boy and then, who knows! 

This is my warning for all my control-freak friends out there: adoption is overwhelmingly out of your hands! So much of this process depends on so many various people; many of whom may not work at the same pace. The 2 months in which we have really been invested in this so far have already taught me so much how to let go and let God. Sometimes the dreams God puts into your life are ones that you have to pray hard about and pray LONG about. I learned how to pray hard years ago; praying long is a new one. I encourage you to not give up on the big dreams that seem far away. Dreams of starting a family, or starting your own business, or paying off your sibling's debt, or moving to a foreign country. Truthfully, they might actually be far away. But God will get you there when HE is ready, not  you. Trust God's timing because only He can see the big picture. I am sure that part of the big picture for Tim and I having to wait is to help further prepare us to be the best parents we can be. It just hurts me knowing that there is a child out there who needs a home and he has to wait because of some silly classes. It seems unfair but God is always good so there is a reason for this too.

I'm sure that most of this is some cosmic payback from the Lord as He had to wait a year on me to say yes to this adoption in the first place. Well, God, I don't think this is very funny! 

So God, I will wait. Tim will wait. We will wait on Your timing.  Your way is so much better than ours. But seriously Lord, we are ready when You are!

Telling Everyone

Start Spreading the News...

We are adopting. This was one of the hardest statements I have ever had to say to my parents. Let me start at the beginning...

After Tim and I had decided to adopt, we waited until we officially had a homestudy provider before telling our parents. We wanted to be 100% sure this was happening before we told them. Once it was "official," (it was only 2 weeks later-I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets) it was time to talk. I did a quick Google search for "ways to tell people you're adopting." Every website I found simply gave advice on how to deal with everyone's reactions. Clearly others were as paranoid as I was about people not being understanding with this news. I really wanted to find a cute way to announce the news like you see so many women do when they announce to people that they are pregnant. A picture saying our house is expanding by 2 feet...or a "you're going to be a Grandma" shirt...or bake buns in the oven! I could find no such ideas for adoption.

We decided to take an easy approach to telling our families. We simply printed out a picture of the boy we had fallen in love with and prepared a speech (this is not a joke-we even practiced it). We told Tim's parents on a Saturday night followed by my parents the next night. After the news was out, they asked many of the same questions: "when will you get him," "what is his story," "how long has he been in foster care," and so many other questions. We answered them all to the best of our ability and I of course, broke down each time we talked about it.

Both sets of parents really seemed to be on board from the beginning which was a relief. I'm sure that all of the people closest to us knew that this would be coming some day but I think they were still shocked that it was happening before we had any birth children. We honestly weren't even trying to have birth babies yet! It is interesting, however, to see the look on people's face as you tell them. I think that when I tell people that I have news, they assume I'm pregnant. Then when they hear we want to adopt an older child, they get this half-confused/half-excited look on their face. I didn't know what to make of this look at first but I now find it kind-of funny. What else can you do but laugh? Tim and I have also had a lot of people say that "we're good people" for doing this. I'm not sure what I think about this statement. I do know, however, that I'm not a very good person, but the Jesus who is working in me is a REALLY GOOD person.

I know that this adoption is 100% what God wants for us, but it is hard to think that this choice might be uncomfortable/weird/even upsetting for others. I am slowly learning to only care about what God (and Tim) think of the life I live but there is a part of my brain that can't turn off this need to please everyone with my choices. 

I do encourage those reading to begin to listen closely to God's opinion on what you are doing. After all, at the end of your life, who do you want to be the most proud of the life you lived?