Finding Contentment

The Pursuit of Happiness

I always want what I can't have. Isn't that the way the American Dream works anyways? Human beings always want more than what they currently have. It doesn't matter how much you have, you are always dreaming about the next thing. No matter how much I pray for peace, I can't help but hate the Joneses. I have a lot of them in my life trying to shake me off the path of contentment in the Lord.

Everyone I know is buying a house and I couldn't be more jealous. Well, maybe not everyone, but it feels that way. When Tim and I started this adoption process, God spoke to me and told me very clearly that all an orphaned child needs is love. An orphaned child needs the love of a parent and the love of God. God told me that I can easily provide a home that reflects those types of love no matter where I live. So, Tim and I moved forward without the house portion. 

However, I find myself daily questioning if this was a stupid decision. What if we had saved our homestudy money to put towards a down payment? As I sit here typing this entry in my two bedroom apartment, I can't help but feel guilty. Doesn't our future child deserve all the best we can offer? Is THIS apartment the best we can offer? Is this good enough? I feel like my heart and my head are in two very different places. In my heart, I know that my child needs to come home ASAP and that the "home" in which he enters doesn't matter. However, in my head I can't help but feel like this isn't good enough. We can't offer a child enough. It's obvious who rules my heart and who rules my head; I need to figure out a way to get them in line with one another.

The tough part of following God's will for your life is that it doesn't make sense. Ever. I feel like 98% of the people in my life probably think that this path Tim and I are on is ridiculous. We're young and broke trying to rescue a child. Are we worthy of rescuing him? God thinks so. The Lord believes in Tim and I and that has to be enough. I can't care what the world thinks of what we're doing because honestly, this world is full of broken people making broken decisions. And we're just as broken. That's why this is so hard. I am an imperfect person trying to follow the plans of a perfect God. Of course I'm going to screw this up and question myself daily.

I have to trust in the plan that God has laid before Tim and I. We will get a house when the Lord is ready for us to have one. He is a good Father who wants good things for Tim and I. He is not the one making me question His goodness. So for those of you out there who are buying a house, sorry if I don't exude excitement the way that you want me to. I promise that part of me is excited for you, but my facial expressions don't always catch up to my head.

In what area of your life are you searching for contentment? Your job, your family, your singleness? This is a hard road to walk. The path to joy really only has one ending point and that of course is in the arms of my God. But there are a lot of people out there who will try to knock you off this path to real joy. Remember, in HIM alone you will find joy. I don't want to be anywhere but on the path that leads me to His purposes for my life.

Quoted from my prayer journal last Sunday: "All I need is You Lord! I don't need money, reputation, a house, a nice car, certain clothes, the newest iPhone, my future son, babies, even my husband. I don't need any of those things like the way I need You. Continue to break me down Lord. Refine me until I am the person YOU want me to be." Be still my heart; in God alone will I find joy.