He Has A Family

Answered Prayers

After a year and a half or praying and fasting for our sweet boy in foster care, a family has been identified for him. What a bittersweet moment it was for me as I checked the county's website (just to creep on him and his status) to find that yes indeed, he is "off the market." Part of me was elated to know that this boy would finally know the love of a mother, father, or both (hopefully). This boy would finally get the mother that he so desperately longed for. What joy filled my heart as I pictured him being tucked in at night or sitting around a dinner table with his family!

...But I wanted to be his family. My heart has been aching for him since I saw his picture in March of 2012. He has held a place in my heart for a very long time. Like I have said before, I have been praying that God would ultimately be his father and that I could detach myself from him. Since we realized that we would not be his family, I have been praying for a good family to be identified for him. Of course I'd rather him be adopted by another family if Tim and I couldn't do it! And just when I thought that I had "moved on" and gotten over the idea of him not being mine, I see that someone else is adopting him and my heart aches all over. 

However, this boy was never mine. I had no right giving him so much of my heart. But I did and now I have to move on. In the end, so very little of this life is in my control. This is just another way for God to show me that His ways are always better than mine. His will for my life will always triumph over mine. 

At the end of the day, God has answered a prayer. My prayer. I want nothing but the absolute best for "our boy." This boy now has a family; what more could I want? As previously stated, this whole thing is very bittersweet. Of course I am happy that he has a family, but I am bummed he isn't a Swett. This child will always be special to me; he is the one who turned my heart towards domestic adoption. 

I will continue to pray until his picture is no longer on that website. I pray that this family completes this adoption and loves that little boy more fiercely than I can imagine. I pray that this boy comes to know the love of his heavenly Father. I pray that this boy receives the healing he needs from his troubled past. I pray that he does well in school and finds some kind of success in life. Like Hannah had to do in 1 Samuel, I'm giving this boy back to God and praying that He takes care of the rest.

This song is for you, buddy. (disclaimer: I realize that this song is intended for a man/woman waiting for their significant other, but it soothes my heart in this situation)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec0e_oTsYtI

The Civil Wars: To Whom It May Concern
Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

Naming our Precious Daughter

We Have a Name...

Choosing a name for our daughter has been an exhausting process. This could be because having a daughter was not what I thought would be happening to us right now. After the weeks of processing and grieving I went through when we realized that the adoption wasn't going to happen, I had a hard time being excited for the child in my belly. This is really hard for me to admit publicly, and I feel slightly like a terrible mother for saying this. But it is completely the truth. My mind was so wrapped up in the adoption of that sweet boy that I couldn't imagine anything else for my life.

However, after some time of grieving, I realized that I was actually really excited about being pregnant. No, this wasn't the plan, but it is a blessing and something to be excited about! However, for some reason I still had my head and heart set on a boy. I'm sure this is because we had prayed for a son (the foster child) for over a year. A boy's name came quickly and easily to us. When asked about a girl's name, however, I drew a blank. No names sounded good, no names felt right, the whole thing just felt wrong. People would go through an exhaustive list of names and at the end I would be no closer to a decision.

About one month before we found out we were having a daughter, we had a first name. Her name will be Johanna. There is quite a story behind this name and it goes something like this...

Right after we found out that we were pregnant (back in March) I began to pray like Hannah in the book of 1 Samuel. Hannah was barren and this was her prayer: "And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." How I interpreted this prayer is as follows: Hannah prayed for a son for a very long time. In the beginning, her prayer may have been selfish. She wanted a son simply because she wanted one. Back in August when we started praying about our family this is how Tim and I prayed. "God, we want a child-how do you want us to grow our family?" This isn't a bad prayer, just slightly selfish and very focused on us. Over time, Hannah's prayers changed (because repetitive prayer over time changes you-not God- and your prayers will better reflect what HE wants for you) and her prayer became one of submission. If God would give her a son she would then give him right back to God. This is what I had to pray for that foster boy we so desperately wanted to bring home. He was never ours-he has always been God's child. God can do with him what He wants. In all honesty, God can do anything He wants with me, Tim, you, and my daughter. Nothing on this Earth is ever really ours and that is okay. God can take better care of me, my husband, and my child than I ever could. I had to submit myself, the child in my belly, and that foster boy to God. This was a hard realization but very freeing at the same time.

I think you can now see where this is going. Throughout my whole pregnancy Hannah has been a very special person to me. Her prayer literally carried me though the weeks of grieving that I experienced for that foster boy who was no longer "ours" and as I realized that the child in my belly would never fully be mine. In the end, God is the only one completely in control of her life. So, since I was so obsessed with Hannah, I realized that my daughter's name should be reflective of this love. That is why her name is Johanna. The name Johanna also means "God is Gracious" which is obviously a very true fact! I pray that my daughter will always believe in a gracious God who extends grace to her in all circumstances. I also hope that her character is reflective of her name and that she herself is able to extend grace to those around her.

Her middle name is going to be Haven. This also has a very special meaning to Tim and I. From the beginning of our pregnancy, I had a themed idea for our children's middle names. I want all of their middle names to be attributes of God. Tim and I both discussed our favorite attributes of God-mine is love and his is protector. Love didn't work (Johanna Love Swett....ew) but a variation of protector did. Tim and I both believe that God is our save haven. The Bible even uses the word haven in Psalm 107:30: "They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven." I also pray that this middle name is one that she can live up to. I hope that she always views God as her safe haven; the person she can run to with all of her fears, worries, and troubles. I also hope that she is herself a person around which others feel safe and comforted. I pray that Johanna Haven is able to be "that person" that people can always run to when they need a sanctuary.

Having her name picked out has really helped to make this real for us. The whole process of going from adopting a school-age boy to instead birthing a little girl has been a tough one for us to process. But a friend told me over the weekend that our story is one that is very reflective of God. He often takes your plans and flips them on their head...from an older boy to a baby girl. Total opposites...and totally the way God works so often in my life.

Submitting your life to God is difficult and requires so much humility, trust, and faith. But at the end of the day, I know that God is working all this out for me way better than I could have! I am so anxious to hold my baby girl Johanna Haven in my arms and beyond thankful that God is trusting her life to me. I just have to be more willing to trust my life to Him.

On Hold

How a pregnancy can severely slow down an adoption process.

Tim and I met with our homestudy assessor on Monday for what we thought would be our final interview. Tim and I hadn't told her yet about the pregnancy because it just seemed like an inappropriate thing to say over email. "Hey, how are ya? We're pregnant! But let's get together and get this homestudy thing done!" So we waited until this Panera meeting to break the news.

It is so funny because I could see how her line of questioning was opening itself up to the topic of babies. Her first question was about how long we have been trying to have children, to which I answered..."we really haven't been." She gave me a funny look and asked me if I've ever lost any pregnancies, to which I answered..."none to my knowledge."  She then asked me about infertility, to which I answered..."we're pregnant." It was so interesting to see her whole face change. Of course I understand that many, many families turn to adoption because of fertility issues; and for those people my heart literally aches. But we explained to our assessor that we have felt God prompting us to grow our family through birth and adoption since August. This is why we started the adoption process before we even knew whether or not everyone had working parts. :)

Time to rant...I have never viewed adoption as plan B. I understand that many people do. Since that way didn't work, we'll do this. This is by all means a very real solution for some people and I am so excited that many of my friends have become parents through adoption only! For Tim and I, however, it has always just been part of the plan. This is why it's not too terribly surprising that we got pregnant during our homestudy.  This is why we started our homestudy at the tender ages of 25 and 26. This is a part of the plan no matter if we birth children or not.

After we broke the news she obviously congratulated us and asked us the typical questions that follow such news (when are you due, how many weeks are you, do you know what you're having yet). She then explained that because of our pregnancy, basically no agencies would view us as possible candidates for placement until our baby is at least a few months old. This would put us in the winter of 2014. I sort of knew this once the stick turned pink but it was still slightly disappointing to hear it from a professional in the adoption field. 

She then said that if we finished the homestudy now, in June, we would have 2 years to complete an adoption. Basically we'd be a ticking time bomb before we have to pay to renew the homestudy. However, we can put the homestudy "on hold" until after the baby comes. This would then put our approval date in (probably) January of 2014 and give us an additional 8 months to complete an adoption down the road. It is clear that more time is better so this seemed like a good solution. She said this happens to more families than I would expect. Other families are like ours in that they get pregnant during this process, some have a family emergency to attend to during the homestudy that causes a hold, and some have other reasons than that!

I had assumed this whole time that our assessor would be annoyed/angry/frustrated with us somehow. She was, as I'm sure most sane people would understand, totally fine with this hold. Like I said, she assured us that this happens a lot and would not later hurt our chances to adopt.

So, like I always ask, where does this leave us? We're officially "done" working on our homestudy until November when this avocado baby arrives. After that, we will finish the homestudy once and for all (huzzah!) and begin to pray. We know that we obviously don't want to immediately bring home a second child. That would be completely crazy. However, we know that God still wants to use us to adopt an older child so we will pray. I know that God will speak just as loudly to us 10 months from now about how He wants to use us as He did all those times He hollered about adoption the first time.

I am thankful for taking my adoption classes. I think that these will help me to be a better parent. I am thankful that I read those "how to raise adopted children" books. I think that these will help me be a better parent as well. I now need to focus on this baby that God has blessed me with in womb.

God is good. Even when He makes you turn left when you wanted to go straight, He's a good God. My pastor once said that God is like a Cosmic GPS which will continue to make you to turn until you end up where He wants you, not where you want you. I have never felt that more than I did this year. I'm holding on tight and praying that we have fewer hard left turns and instead just a windy road.

Sacrifices

This parenting thing is already testing me.

We're not even really parents yet but I feel like I'm already thinking about this child more than myself. I guess that is exactly what is supposed to happen when you have a kid. You, ya know, put their needs ahead of your own. Well this baby isn't even here yet and I'm already trying to make decisions that will better his/her future.

The reason this is so on my mind right now is due to the events of last weekend. This time last week I should have been in Myrtle Beach. Where was I you ask? Here, in Columbus, having a very average weekend. When I was asked by some friends to join them at the beach I wanted nothing more than to say yes. However, being a good student of Dave Ramsey, I consulted our budget to see how much money we could spare so I could go on this trip. Looking the budget over there was definitely money for me to go....

...However, knowing that in November our lives were going to change drastically forever, I could hardly bring myself to spend this money. Right now we already have the bill from the doctor for my appointments, ultrasounds, and her fees. After that we will get what I'm sure will be a fairly large hospital bill. Then of course we are bringing home a baby who needs diapers, food, clothes, and all that other stuff. Like I always say, I'm not trying to complain and I certainly don't want anyone to think "oh, those poor kids!" 

As parents, Tim and I have decided to slow down our spending and save money like it's going out of print in an attempt to be better prepared for this child. This decision has come at a cost to us. This means that we will spend less time going out with friends, we will eat less expensive food, and we will certainly not go to the beach. It just seems silly to us to spend our extra money which can be saved for the hospital bills and such on things that aren't really that important.

Becoming a parent has been a humbling experience of our lives. While becoming so focused on this tiny being we are then forced to push down our own wants and desires. But isn't this exactly what all good parents do? How much more respect do I now have for my own parents. How much have they sacrificed over the years? I'm 25 years old---they must have given up thousands of things for me over the years. And I know that this simple sacrifice of saying no to one vacation is the first of thousands of sacrifices that I will make for this child. Not just financial sacrifices but I know that I will have to sacrifice my time, energy, and every resource I have available for this child.

So, to be honest, it was REALLY HARD for me to say no to this girls weekend at the beach. However, when that baby comes home with us, I know these temporary feelings of jealousy and sadness of not being able to go will leave. So this post is for all you current parents, who understand way more than me that being a parent is easily the most humbling job on the planet. I still have a lot to learn!

The Next Chapter of Our Story

Some Major Changes Are on the Way...

I know that I have said this before, but I feel like once you say yes to God, your life will get flipped on its head. Well, He’s done it once again.

We’re pregnant.

Let’s start at the beginning. When Tim and I started our 6 months of prayer and fasting about our family we felt like God spoke to us clearly and said that He wants us to welcome children into our home in any way, shape, or form. At that time we had no idea whether He still meant through adoption or if He meant through birthing our own children. We continued to pray about this and really felt like God was saying it was okay for either or both to happen. With that seal of approval we moved forward with the adoption and put the thought of babies on the back burner.


Cut to March. One weekday morning I realize that I’m experiencing some symptoms of pregnancy. Panic fills me from head to toe. I took a test at home and sure enough-two pink lines. The first feeling I had when I saw that stick was complete terror. There’s no going back now. Of course I wanted to be pregnant; of course I want to birth my own children-but now?! Is now, two months into our homestudy process, really the time for me to get pregnant?

As I told Tim he calmly reminded me that “he knew this would happen.” He then also informed me that we’d figure it out and everything would be okay. I spent the next 3 hours of my evening mulling it all over. By 9PM that night I was overcome with guilt. How could I be upset about this miracle that is taking place in my body. Babies are a miracle from God. The fact that while Tim and I were not even trying to get pregnant I did indeed become pregnant! It was in that moment that I realized that God was going to bring children into my home in whatever way He sees fit; whether that’s through birthing them, adopting them, or fostering them. God will do what He wants when He wants to. I just have to get on board with what He is doing. A wise friend once told me that I am not going to screw up God’s plan and I think that’s true. I believe that God is a good Sheppard and He will lead me to where I need to be. It is not about me being a good follower, it is about Him being a good leader.


Now having had several weeks to process this, I am still in a state of confusion. Can we really afford to have a baby? What does this mean for our boy that we are fighting so hard to bring home? This is the question that hurts my heart the most and keeps me up most nights. In my mind there is no way this can work out for him. I feel so guilty when I think that because I got pregnant that this child will no longer have a home. However, I realize that this is slightly crazy seeing as I am not the end all be all for this child. I am not the only solution for this child’s life. In all reality, without a baby we still might not be a good fit for him. I have to trust that God has this boy in His hands and that He will put him in the best home possible. This still might be our home, and by golly if it is we’ll take him! But I have to accept the fact that God might also have an even better plan for this boy that does not include the Swetts.

So where does this leave us? Tim and I are going to complete our homestudy. We are still going to inquire about "our" boy once it is complete. Once we have told the county that we are interested, they will then have the opportunity to decide if they think that our home is a good fit for this boy. A good thing to note here is that just because we inquire about a child does not mean that we are going to get him. We are just expressing interest and seeing if the county finds us to be good parents for a particular child. Some good news in all of this is a homestudy is valid for two years before it needs to be updated (which even then is an easy process). Meaning, if it doesn't work out with the sweet boy we've chosen now, we could try again until 2015. We know God still has adoption in our future. He wouldn't have let us go through all this if it wasn't.


Life is funny; as soon as we accepted one reality from God, He threw another one at us. I feel like God rarely let's you get too comfortable. I think He likes to operate in this realm of discomfort. If nothing else, it keeps life interesting! So welcome to the full story. For those of you who may be wondering why I have been so weird lately, now you know. I am so thankful that this can now be out in the open! I am terrible at keeping my own secrets. 

We ask that you please continue to pray for "our" sweet foster child and now I'd like you to add our baby to your prayer list. As I have been praying lately I've come to realize that God is always in complete control over my life, my baby's life, and our boy's life. Just as I have told God repeatedly that my life is His, I must also give my child's life to God. This is just like Hannah in 1 Samuel when she committed her son's life to the Lord if He would allow her to become pregnant. Everything in my life needs to be held with open hands in which God can give or take. So I dedicate my baby's life to serve the Lord and ask God that He would also take "our" foster child's life into His hands. He will take better care of my baby and that boy than I ever will.

Trusting...hoping...praying.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."- Psalm 139: 13-14

Welcome Home

My First Airport Homecoming

Tonight was my first (and hopefully one of many) airport homecomings. For those of you not familiar with what an airport homecoming is, this is when a family welcomes home their adopted child with friends and various family members surrounding them (obviously at the airport as their flight comes in). Tonight my friend Mandy welcomed home her son who joined her family all the way from Ghana. All day I was filled with excitement and wondered what her son was thinking as he flew over here; was he excited, nervous, scared? 

As he came into view her entire family went running towards him and a giant group hug followed. There were shouts of joy, tears, and countless hugs and kisses. This was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. This boy now had brothers and sisters who were giving him kisses. This boy now has dozens of friends whom his parents were excitedly introducing him to. This boy has an entirely new life. What an overwhelming thing to think about.

Then Mandy said the following words to her children: "Let's go home." I was so overcome with emotion at those three words. Her son is HOME. This is his HOME now. For this child I joined dozens of people in prayer. I have been praying that this child would come home for months. Now the day is upon us. For this day I have prayed and it is here! 

This was the second adoption that I had the opportunity to see through to a welcome home and both times it was such an emotional high. I know that adoptions are such a miracle and so near and dear to God's heart. As I see these children come into this new life, it is amazing to watch the changes that occur. These children now have a forever family. A family that will love and support them from now on. They have siblings, a mommy, a daddy, they have someone to help them with homework and someone to hold them when they cry. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see the beginnings of these new lives for these children.

After tonight I have a new desire to bring my child home. I want him to experience what Mandy's son got to experience tonight. I want him to see how many people have been praying for him, loving him, and supporting him from afar. I want to hold him, I want to kiss him, I want to tell him that "we're going home." I cannot wait for the day that I get to proudly parade him around and introduce him to all my friends and family members.

I appreciate all of you who have been praying with us so far. I feel like the further we get into this the harder it is becoming. I know God is working in and through us during this process which is why it is all so hard. So, Tim and I really do appreciate all of the love, support, listening, and prayers that so many of you have offered us over these past few months. I am hopeful that one day soon we will be having our own homecoming (which all of you will be invited to of course).

Do Not Worry

Well That Seems Impossible

I worry about everything. I worry about the weather, I worry about my relationships, I worry about what I'm going to cook for dinner, I even worry about my insane amount of worries.

Tim and I had a recent devotion which included none other than Luke 12: 22-34 which is all about not worrying. I'm sure this devotion came to us at an appropriate time as our first visit with our homestudy assessor is tomorrow. I don't really know why I am worried or what I should even be worried about. I have been cleaning the apartment down to the baseboards, Tim and I have been practicing sample interview questions that we might be asked, and we are both very much on the same page about basically everything! So what is there to worry about?

I guess my real fear is that this lady will tell us that we are not fit to be adoptive parents. I guess that deep down I have so many insecurities. I am afraid that she will take one look at our life and say that it is not good enough for a child to enter. I know that this might seem crazy but it is something I cannot get over. I can't shake the feeling that we are going to be denied our adopted son. I have spent quite a bit of time Googling "reasons that homestudies are not approved." 

This whole process has made me question myself so much. Who am I really and what kind of parent do I want to be. Tim and I have discussed discipline techniques, how to toe the line between love and discipline, and above all we have discussed how in the world we can afford our growing family. More than anything though I have questioned the Swetts ability to be a truly functional family. From the outside looking in, do we just look like a couple of broke kids who have no idea what they're doing?

No matter what happens tomorrow; whether we bomb every question she asks us or our apartment isn't as clean as I think it is (although this is highly unlikely), I have to trust that God is going ahead of me. Whatever way the chips fall in my life, I have to believe that God is in charge of it, not me. I refuse to base my belief system on the good or bad things that happen to me in my life. I chose to believe in the character of my God. Above all I have to remember to have faith and trust in who my God is. My God is goodness, my God is righteousness, my God is justice, my God is love, my God is trustworthy, and my God is for me. This is why I shouldn't worry about my life. If I really believe that God is all of those things, why should I worry?

The burdens I am currently carrying are entirely too heavy. There is no way I can face my challenges alone. I am thankful for a God who is willing and able to take all of my worries and concerns. That isn't to say that I don't spend most of my waking hours with a constant inner turmoil while thinking about everything that is going on. However, I encourage you to try to give up some of those worries to God. This isn't an easy process and requires a daily "giving up" but I can't think of anyone better to whine to about my problems that God (and of course all of you reading this!).